A Symptom of Avoidance

   Awoken by a tapping on the window of my car. I look up sleepily to find a police officer looking back at me.  I roll down the window. The officer says, “Is everything all right sir?” “Fine officer.” I respond. He then tells me that he ran a check on me and that there is a warrent out for my arrest  in Uxbridge Mass. “It’s over 20 years old and the charge is for driving an unregistered car. Not a big deal, but you should look into it.”.  He then asked me to move from where I was parked.  Culvers wasn’t open at seven in the morning, and it was private property. I started the car and was on my way. I had forgotten all about that ticket.

   The incident was Deja Vu. A different time and place but I definately had that experience before. I had stopped going to whatever the job of the moment was,  and hadn’t told Casey. So, when the time came to go off to work I would go through the usual routine. Wake up, shower, eat, say goodbye and leave. The difference was that I would either find somewhere to sit in my car, or just drive around until she left for work.  returning home for the day and playing the scenario out when she returned home in the evening.

   I’ve  perpetrated this fraud many times on several different women through my adult years. Now that I think about it, I did the same to my parents when I was in school. I never meant to hurt anyone.  I was just incapable of facing the music. Everytime this occurred, I would continue until I was cornered.  Until it became a full blown crisis and I had no way out.

   The worst example of this has got to be when I went to Great Lakes IL boot camp. Without bothering with the details, I was eventually given a “less then honorable” discharge. While awaiting processing, I was stuck in a barracks with others in my possition for a couple of weeks, I continued to  tell my parents  through phone calls and letters, that everything was going great.  I flew home and partied away the little bit that I had been given when I was discharged. When that ran out, I went to my mothers.  In the middle of the night I knocked on her door. She asked who was there, I responded, “It’s Greg” She said, “Aren’t you supposed to be in Great Lakes?”, Opened the door, and told me to go to bed. “We’ll talk in the morning”. No idea why I waited until the middle of the night. Guess I thought there would be less confrontation.  Most of my moves are very calculated, whether I admit it or not.

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